Denial

on

I can’t help but to discuss or open up the discussion on few major topics that I am trying to ignore. I am in denial. I refuse to believe that am getting older, that am 28 years old now. I refuse to believe that I have more responsibility to myself than before. I refuse to believe that I should be standing on my own, and have to face the music, alone. There are few items that I need to really open up here, just because I don’t really have close friends to actually discuss about it.

1. Career ladder
I am coming to my third job this year, working in 3 different cities,with different scope of work. I can’t help but to wonder, if I stick to my old field, I would be a manager and/or senior executive by now. But here I am, still a junior landscape architect. Okay, not a fresh graduate anymore, but a mid-level LA but not enough to jump shift to senior LA. Not that am complaining, am in the right track (as to my 10 years planning), but I can’t help to envy those people at my age/level would be in a higher position, carrying more responsibilities, and earning double as compared to what I am earning right now. Yes, I used to say I work I something I passionate with, and not because of the money, but if you feel abusive, and under appreciated, those thoughts will come in and overshadow your initial intention to do what you are doing right now. Am I right? Am becoming calculative, cheapskate, and sort because of that.

2. Responsibilities
I have responsibilities towards myself and my family. Emotionally and financially. I am emotionally unstable due to the pressure in the aforementioned no 1, and financially, I am unable to actually self-sustain myself. There goes car loan, rental, food, fuel, electricity, entertainment, unit trust loan, study loan, medical insurance and sort. With higher inflation every year and never ending debt with the bank, younger people are suffering these days. How am I going to save some money for the later life when all the pay goes to paying those mentioned? Again, I started late, and am way behind my age-circle. Don’t talk about owning a house yet, or getting married. I have no money to invest on those two. As of my parents, they are financially stable even though they already retired. Car fully paid, house fully paid, medical is free etc but what I feel my responsibility towards them would be to ensure they are okay, emotionally. I know they don’t like me being far from them but I can’t simply stay at home anymore.i got to fly away, finding my way out there. I can’t be under them forever, right? and since I moved out of the house 10 years ago, I have a different lifestyle in which there will be a lot of conflicts if I moved back home again. I don’t want to hurt them, I avoid any difference in opinion or viewpoint. I avoid conflicts, I always succumb to theirs, and I never voice out what I feel and thinks is right. I love them too much to make them worry, but they have to face that I am different. I am different from what they imagine their daughter would be like. They’ve known this from the start, and also I know they are denying the difference between us. But sooner or later they have to accept this, and I have to accept this too. It’s not complicated but there never been a tradition to actually discuss about opinions, or feelings with them. we have a very formal relationship. No body contact, no hugs n kisses, not showing any emotions. It’s all shake hands and formal conversation. Maybe it’s me too,I don’t allow them to go into my world. I don’t know.

3. Marriage/family
I can’t deny I got a lil bit of this peer pressure for this item. All my friends, either just gotten married, or popping babies. There are few singles here and there but most of them are in serious relationship. I get more wedding invitation this few years and what affect me the most is when my best friend got hitched. I can’t help but to feel of losing her. Also I can always hang out with her, and her husband but the feeling is different. She’s attached to somebody else and has more responsibilities. No more late night party and sort. I know, myself not ready yet for this, but it tick me to actually start thinking about it.

4. Life at 30
It’s just another 2 years to reach 30 years old, and I can’t help but to think that, have I achieved what I want in life in my 20s? Have I done anything that I’ve planned before. Have I been here and there yet? Do I achieve financial stability yet? Do I get all the education I want in life? What am going to prepare for the coming years? Will I still be alone and independent? and etc.

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