I don’t know, I think this is hormonal speaking. My hormone messing up with my head again. Am gloomy, in thoughts, terrified.
The wise one told me to push those negative fear/ thinking away. An idle mind is the devil’s workshop, as the English sayings.
Probably it’s been a long weekend for me, with no particular plan apart from my swimming lessons. Apart from that, I got nothing planned, just going to the office to do some work, and that’s it.
This emotional turmoil is no good for me. I can’t type it out here, I need some trusting ears. I’ve deactivated my Facebook account, and am trying very hard to resist to re-activate it. This is hard, as i’ve been living in it for years. I am trying to live my life, and less on Facebook. Wish me luck.
From all these free time, it got me thinking. I’ve planned my life accordingly. Get a job after Masters, get a car, gain industrial experience, applying for PhD, get settled with my retirement plan, saving plan, investment plan, insurance and medical coverage, saving for houses etc, and getting broke over dresses and air tickets. This life is leading to stable life, and it terrifies me. Really bad. It’s like a lifetime commitment. Of course you don’t say it that way but it’s how you manage your life. From one phase to another.
But, what if I don’t wanna be normal? What if I don’t wanna take the normal path of life. What if I don’t want to be commit to anything? Am scared.
I think, I have a commitment issue. I can’t settle for the thing that I planned and stick to it. I don’t think I can’t bare the thoughts of living for the future. I guess, I am more into living the moment.
So, this kind of thing really terrifies me. I m, terribly scared.
I spend the whole morning, reading and googling on something. A change in path. What if I don’t wanna be landscape architect anymore? I mean, my Master’s doesn’t recognized by the local body even though I came from Apex university. There’s so much resistance towards my goal. Is this the way the god saying, this is not your path. Change path now? Or am I chicken it out and, refused to take the challenge. I don’t know.
The devil’s working in the workshop if my idle mind now. This is bad. I’ve been googling on how to get the TOEFL and GRE test now. You know what is it for. Shall I? I have this urge to disappear from here, and start a new life. Is this the wise choice? Please tell me, please.