It’s not so easy, loving me…

I tried so very hard, and i get lost in loving myself. I am trying to get back to the right track and do what I should, to save me from myself.

I am leaving the past and continue to concentrate on the future. Somehow I need to take one step back so that I can see what’s lay in front of me.

I am opening this blog back, and trying to be my old self. 🙂

Just a brief introduction for this; I am a junior Landscape Architect and I am a PhD candidate. I need to find myself and that drive in me to aim for that i pursue in. I love studying, I love research, I love my current job (it’s killing me, but I do love it, and am glad i made a 360 degrees turn in 2009).

The only thing is that I’m not really loving myself, and i needed to rediscover the old iDa, the 2009 iDa that enthusiast on starting her first job as environmental executive. The iDa that discover what she wants to do in life. I found this scribble on my old notebook and it sent me to tears:

and guess what do I want in life?

I know, the first thing that you would ask me when I said I am pursuing a PhD, is that, ‘what? you want to be a lecturer?” Ahem. I can’t answer that. To be honest, I don’t know how to actually teach or guide people, let alone taking responsibility of sharing/guiding knowledge to students. So, the reason why I am taking this path is that I want to equip myself with something, to actually contribute something to the knowledge world, from my tiny miny research. OK, probably because of the ‘title’. Ha,ha. There are part and partial reason of what I am doing this, and I ain’t going to describe here much. I’ll explain to you, if you are asking me personally. As in face to face. I don’t want my words to be twisted here.

I am trying to put my head into planning my time for the next 3 years, juggling between work and study.

Oh god please help me. This is two huge commitment i am commiting for the next 3 years. Please bear with me. I need mental and moral support to do this. I think this is far heavier responsibility than raising a child? hahaha. I don’t know. I am just saying. 🙂