Strong enough

I don’t know what to feel. I’m terrified, excited and scared at the same time. I need the great one the most at these time, to lend me his ears.

It’s just feel like yesterday that I’m staying in Kota Kinabalu. I can’t believe it is almost 2 years I’m here. It is coming towards the end of my life in Penang. I’ve completed my Master’s degree and it’s time to move on to another stage in life. I feel like something stuck in my throat by just thinking about it.

Do you know how terrified I was when I completed my degree in KL and the reluctancy to go back home? It’s like a deja vu. I am feeling it all over again. I am hesitant to go back. I don’t want my life in Penang to end. But I can’t stay in limbo, I gotta go somewhere right?

The enthusiastic iDa would feel this is it. This is the time to shine and to do something big. Why the 26 years old iDa ain’t feeling that anymore? Why am I terrified to do something better in life? I am scared and confused.

I was at the tournament final’s just now, I was having this conversation with my dear friend, on how she want’s to be the mom, watching over the kids tournament, sitting with other mother’s at the clubhouse and sipping tequila drinks on sunday morning. I got the same feeling. OK, this is not meant I want to settle down, but I feel I need to establish that kind of permanency where i have a circle of friends, and I can go and hang out with them at the club on sunday morning.

I am ready.I am not ready. I don’t know. I’m scared, totally shaken by the uncertainty. I don’t know where I’ll be after this.I don’t even know where I’ll be next week. omg.

This is killing me softly. I have so much to say and I don’t think a blog post could satisfy or able to reduce my fear. I feel like shouting, and for the first time, I am feeling lonely. Orange.

Where is my best friend when I need him? 

I have yet to discuss with my parents on this matter, but I am sure they want me to go back home, but will I be happy by then? I love them too much but I need to live my life too. To achieve what I want in life and make them proud. I may not be the good daughter (I rebel, I don’t follow rules, I don’t even listen to them) but it doesn’t mean that I’m a failure. Maybe my approach in life is different, but my aim is still the same. I am sorry if i ever disappoint you in any way but I am trying my best in a hard way to understand things.

Oh shit. I am tearing as in now. I wish life could be as simple as anyone else decides for you. But it is tougher if you decided for yourself. I don’t want somebody else decide for me. I want my to decide on my own, it’s the hard way but it is how I want it to be.

I do have plans: Plan A, Plan B and Plan C, only thing is that I have yet to execute any of it.

I’m going to miss Penang. Everyone here, especially him. I’m going to miss everything and everyone. But I got to move on with life. I don’t know what life has to offer, I am anticipated to the uncertainty and the brighter future.

but I am still terrified. 

Terrified. Tired by starting life all over again. Moving to another place, leaving friends, acquaintances and familiarity, establishing new life, getting new circle of friends. I am tired.  Yeah I sounded like I want a permanency, settled down life, I don’t, just that to move in/out all over again tires me out.

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