Atelophobia


Oh wow. time really flies. Fly away like a bird, like a wind. It is october already and I keep on mistakenly writing year as 2016, when it’s nearing 2017. I seem lost in time, in my misery, where i put my head to my work, and never stop and look at the window. Ever.

What shit am i writing right now? I can’t even write things from my heart anymore. Sticky seem not to bother about how am I doing, as long as he get his kibbles and litter box clean everyday. Right Sticky? (Sticky staring at me now)

Okay, what am trying to say in the last two paragraph is, I do not take care of myself. I’m putting my head to work so that I can forget all the pain, the anger, the unresolved, and whatever childhood shit ding-dong I get in my heart.

I am bitter. Full of hatred. I took marathon just as a distraction for the inner misery. I hurt myself every week with crossfit, just to feel alive. I move away from home, to be independent at the point where, I feel that i am insufficient. Yes. It goes back to the root of everything.

Love.

I, since little.. has been told that I never done good enough for anything and everything. I am not good enough. Getting straight A’s and I don’t get a pat at the back, and say well done. Nope. In fact, most of the time, all am hearing; that’s all you got?

And, I directed all my attention and aim to pursue and to be best at everything. Excel in every subjects and sort. Gotten to the best University, struggle for everything just to hear, well done.

Well, until now, I never heard those two words. I couldn’t care less to be the best anymore because, it never end, and I’ll never ever hear that two words.

I am never the proud ones, in fact, everyone never seem to bother about it anymore, but I still pursue for at pat at the back, and hear well done.

Guess what. This year, I give up everything.

I give up running. I give up staying healthy. I give up being a good daughter. I give up being on top of the world.

Why?

Just, because I am tired of hoping and never ending- and unacknowledged struggle, and for what?

I can never be good enough right?

Loving too much, too little. Appreciated, unappreciated. It is the same thing.

Let me be in my own world.

To anyone else, good luck and have a good, and happy life.

 

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