Asking me to be normal, sorry i can’t fulfill your request. I wasn’t meant to be normal. Am not the “norm”. I do my things in the unconventional way. I don’t go with the flow of, go to school, go to university, graduated, come back home, go to work, settle down, have babbies and happily ever after. My life has been complicated since i was born. I wasn’t accepted as grandchild since am not from the normal “fam constitutional”. I can never blend in even though they come to the term to accept me. You are dealing with child psychology and growing up with the kind of mentality. You can never expect people to snap up and accepted you when you weren’t part of them since i was little. 

Sorry to say, am not, and i will never be like d normal child. Don’t ask me when am getting married, don’t ask me when am moving back home again for good. Because i have established myself and survive alone for 10 years exile from home, and am comfortable standing on my own feet. So, don’t ruin my raya by asking this shitty question, don’t advice me this and that because nobody have no fucking idea of my life has been and will be. I just kept quiet and smile for all the questions being thrown at me because it’s not worth the sweat of explaining and justifying my say or my action because nobody will understand or even listen to me. Nobody will open up their mind when they are wrapped and blinded in the normancy of life here. So, be it. 

Why don’t people just be happy and grateful that you are here to be with them to celebrate eid together? What is the timeline of ‘happiness’ and, that i leave on tuesday or next sunday when both options is never enough. Nothing i do or say will satisty everyone as everything i do is not good enough? Not straight A’s will ever be enough, no entering the number 1 university in Malaysia will ever make em proud, not even working in a so-called premier consultancy firm with lotsa oversea projects will even make them proud and say good stories to their friends. Nope. The proudest moment would be when am working for the government with fixed pension. No matter what profession, even as administration. Nah. 

Am way beyond dumbfounded that, am struggling alone to achieve or create a successful life in my path, that nobody will support me or even proud of me. When directing the other way round. There’s nothing wrong of the other way too, but different people look at things different way, and i do not see in the normal pathway as they do.

Maybe its my mistake that i don’t do ‘public relation’ and ‘politicize’ my way around to convince everyone. I don’t need to. If they love me, they will understand. Not as if am commiting crime, like stealing or taking bribe isn’t it? Maybe stealing is more noble than bring beyond normancy? Perhaps, maybe. 

Its was rather ‘expectation’ that will make people dissapointed with you. I have drop all expectation and it make it happier. ‘Expectation’ to say, to greet, to fb it. Please don’t confuse of ‘expectation’ with virtue. There is one bold line to divide those two. 

Oh well. I’ll just shut up my mouth and just go with the flow. Afterall, am not the one who can be proud of. 

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