I was sobbing endlessly when I was driving back from the office back to my home here. Took me another half hour of massive crying in the car after that. I cried so hard I got a headache until now. This would be another biggest challenge i have to face where am in the another, yet.. junction in my life. and this time, I need to use my head to decide. 

It will be the most devastating decision ever, and I might be cool with it, or i might regret it later, but I can’t help but to deny the opportunity. 

It’s about time I think about my own future, instead of what I envision my future to be with somebody else. Maybe is this the ending to my suffering? 

Dear Lord, please show me the way. I’ve got this weekend to think it over. I have no idea which path to choose, where to go.

I have no idea, on what direction I should go. Should I follow my heart, or should I follow my head this time? 

Finally, everything come into place to me, and am scared. I am used to all the hardship, where I have to struggle everything to get what I want. I never, ever get anything thrown to my plate from the sky. I am not that blessed. Not that rich. So when these kind of betterment opportunity come knocking on my door, i look out thru the pigeonhole and am scared to open the door to let the opportunity come to me.

Yes, this is the heart talking. But the mind say, ida.. open that door. This is it. This is the moment you are waiting for. This is why you take the leap of faith, quit everything in KK 5 years ago and chased your dream. Ida, this is it..  the moment where you’ll be the director of your own movie instead of just being the backstage assistant. This is it, ida.

But the heart says no. The heart is contented here even though it’s bleeding profusely. The heart still beating even though with the deepest cut. 

I don’t know. Everyone says, go for it. The great one says, am skipping 3 years of my life if I take this. Means i am me in 2017 here in 2014. The great one says, this is where all my unappreciated effort, my unpaid overtime, my weekend sacrifice will get paid of. This is my time to shine. 

I have yet to consult my mom and dad about it. But I never consulted them anyway. I made my own decision in life. They’ve been trained me that one. To decide on my own, of my life.

I’ll never have the normal life. I know what. I’ll never go thru the norm. Am the flying bird, come down to get water or to touch somebody heart, and go. It take me a while to fathom that. Sometimes, I just feel like I want to be like anybody else, but that is not me.