Distress.


Hello all. It’s Tuesday and am at the Babylon’s bar at mansion 32 having a drink alone, listening to the sound of the wave and the soft music of Christmas song, and the cool rainy night made me feel so so emotional.
Bubble’s song made me even more emotional.

I was caught up in a very emotional distress last few days and I need to clear my head off. Been crying, confused, frustrated, contented and full of emotional drama that I am tired of myself, of my life.

The same question has been lingering in my mind, for years. What I want to do in life. Am I in the right direction in life? How am I going to go from here. What I feel is it relevant? Do I get to know my new self if I am leaving my old self? I feel that I have no direction. Of what I WANT in life. Not what society pressed me to do. Or people telling me to do. Do you ever asked me what I want to do in life?

Nobody asked me that. I asked myself that but I feel that I am failing myself. It really made me feel lost. I am literally lost here. I got a direction yes, but will I be contented with d path I am choosing. Will I repeat the same question, “what if?” again, and again.

I feel like crying but there’s no tears, I feel like screaming but there’s no voice. This emotional distress really taking atoll on me. I lost my passion to work. Everyday am looking forward to go back home and sleep and hoping I’ll never wake up.

Yes, that bad. I used to be full of sunshine and positives vibes but I feel very bitter right now. Extremely bitter that I need to get my second (or maybe third) caprioska for tonight. And it’s only Tuesday, mind you.

I am feeling jealous. Insecure. Frustrated. I don’t know, mixed feeling that drag me down. I need to go on a holiday. Alone. Need to refresh myself. Rejuvenate, to be back to my old self.
Perhaps I should go back home. To rediscover myself, and to refresh on why am I here in the first place.

But then again, what is home? I left home since I was 18 and it doesn’t feel the same now. Home is my own self. Whatever left back is my parents. I missed them dearly. And I wish I didn’t grow up.
But I did. Got to suck up and be a man.

I am a grown up women. I should be able to handle everything, stand on my own feel and not to cry and go back to my parents when I feel lost.
I am no more 17. I am 27 years old. I have my own self commitment and I shall go from there. Whining and be a baby doesn’t resolve anything, I have to face things and get over it.

I don’t know. I am talking gibberish. Nothing but an empty rambling. I need a friend to be an ear. To just listen.

But I don’t have anyone here. I am on my own. So it’s a bit hard for me to suck everything up and be a man. Isn’t it.

I think the caprioska talking now.

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