The writing on the wall

I had a quarter mid-life crisis again where panic attacking me this morning. I was numb and succumb to the pain of answering the same old question: what am I doing here in Penang? I mean, come on, I got an awesome life back in KK, cool and challenging job, awesome friends and family, I don’t have to pay for expenses, car, I get to travel to at least 2 different countries a year (If i am able to save some money), and so on. Why do I leave all that? And what am I doing with life once this phase of life is over? Do i have to go back to KK? shall I stay in Penang or should I find better living and opportunities somewhere else?

I have no idea. Clueless. I thought I already planned my life for the next 10 years, but plan changed and I am still damn clueless on how to amend the plan.

Let’s just go with the flow, as to some say. I don’t know whether I can afford to do that. I mean, I am the kind of person that always 10 steps ahead in my head, forecast and plan things ahead. I don’t know how to stay loose and just go with the flow. I mean, I literary need to change my attitude and perception towards life if I want to do that. I am confused.

Do i have to follow my head or my heart? I’ve been following my head all these while, and see where it got me? Another doomed-dimension of confusion and insecurities. If I follow my heart, it will come back to the same thing, plus the heartache. The wall i’ve been building around myself is not as strong and concrete as before. I get hurt easily. Sometimes, I lowering down my guts without me realizing. In the end, I get hurt & tearing up without no one knowing. I don’t want to be brokenhearted, again. I am as bubbly as how I want people to perceive it, but does anyone really know what’s boiling inside of me?

No. No one does.

And I like to keep it that way. So people will only remember me as the happy bubbly person from the east.

My dad were admitted to the emergency room last night because he fell flat when carrying heavy things. Talk about working hard. My mom said he was thoroughly checked, scanned, xray, ECG monitoring in the ER and so forth due to his age. I hope he’s doing okay by now. I’m sorry I can’t be there for him, but he’s a strong man & I am sure he will do just fine.

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