Energy drained

My life is not in balance. I’ve been groaning and complaining about all the hurdles since I moved to KL 2 years ago. Next month, may, marked 2 years since I moved from Penang, and life wasn’t like bed of roses since then.

Do you know what happened on the first weekend since the move? or the night before my first day at work? Do you know how does it feel, when you are constantly looking for place to stay, or to stay secured? Car has been smashed, knock over, and carjacked. Been moving out and relocating every year. Home doesn’t feel like home.

All of these.. is for what? So i can stay closer to the love ones. So, it is convenient to meet, talk and etc. I have been constantly trying to adjust my life to fit others, and what do I get in the end? To be called, am the negative forces, the negative energy.

I used to have all the chi My life in practically, balanced. I smile everyday when I woke up. I go to work with extreme feeling of seize the day. There are focus and direction, and I control my own decision to suit me, and not someone else.

I don’t feel that way anymore. I try to adjust my life to fit others, but guess what? It screw my life up. I feel an extreme burden on my shoulder now. Thinking of relocating? Yes, I do.

Not that am needed here by anyone. They proved to me that, am no matter to any of them. Guess what happened on my birthday?

I do make a big fuss about my birthday, because birthday is the only time you are celebrating your existence. Even when you don’t have the future with them. At least, to be remembered, and to spend time with the person that you considered important, means a lot to me.

And, guess what? Nobody think that am worth it. Two of them. None. I ended up spending the night of my birthday crying very hard, till i fall asleep. I cried so so hard until the next day, my eyes, eyelid all swollen, and people in the office mistakenly think that I am contracting pink-eye. They didn’t know that I cried so hard until the vein inside my eyes burst and that contribute to the red eye.

I am writing this, because I got nobody to talk to anymore. The great one, think everything that come out of my mouth it’s either demotivating, putting on negative impacts towards the surrounding and from there i decided not to talk anymore. I have no friend that can actually talk about all these. Friends come and go. I let go those who constantly being insincere to me.

Indeed, i am becoming bitter here. Not because of me, but because of the surrounding. The constant nagging and complaint of the other life, the never ending curses and complaint about work, the constant nightly-drunk-call received that made me cry every time.. all up to my negativity. All i want is to be closer to who I fond with, and I ended up destroying myself.

Maybe this is God’s way of telling me, they are not meant for me. No matter how I struggle to stay in love, or stay alive, there are a stopping being laid out in front of me. The hurdles, the struggle i have to face just to keep my faith and love alive.

Maybe it’s time to call it a quit.

Maybe it’s time to say, ida first. Everyone else, second.

Maybe it’s time to call it, Enough ida. IF you are not being appreciated here, then what is the point of staying.

Isn’t it?

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