Caught up in a reverie

I was, in deep contemplation when driving back from KLCC back to my home just now. There’s one question lingers in my head, when i was watching the latest episode of How I Met Your Mother. You see, I’ve always been the tough cookie & independent Robin Scherbatsky, but somehow  I am as hopeless as Ted Mosby.

What are the word that describe affection. Crazy things you do, that either destroy you, or making you do unreasonable things. You feel like smacking your own head for making those kind of decision. You would say, ‘You are a fool ida. Use your head and common sense’. I do have a common sense but I am driven by some sort of energy that is beyond indescribable.

Actually, there is a word for that.It’s love. It is the word that you are looking for, that means caring for someone beyond all rationality and wanting them to have everything they want no matter how much it destroys you. It’s love. and when you love someone you just… you don’t stop, ever. There are no stop button.

Even when people roll their eyes, and call you crazy. Even when your friend said, you are mad, you are destroying yourself with this. Even then. Especially then, you just – you don’t give up. Because if I could just give up, you know… taking the whole world’s advice and, and move on and find someone else, that wouldn’t be love. That would be some other disposable thing that is not worth fighting for.

Do you read the sense in this? Yes and No. Call me crazy. Call me mad, but I feel what I feel and believe firmly in it. I translated what am feeling to prayers to the one I cherish and hoping em, to be alright. To have a good life, I am willing to give anything to make them happy. Am not asking for anything, just to love me back. Even so, I feel that am so selfish to ask for the same love.

Sometimes love means taking a step back. If you care about somebody, you should want them to be happy even if you wind up being left out.

Is it fair? No. But do you succumb to the situation where you giving up your happiness for others to be happy? No. I am confused as ever. No other advice or example can justice my reasoning in my head.

But  what I can assure you, my dear reader. I strongly feeling what am feeling right now, and nothing can stop me from loving someone. Even if you kill me, it won’t stop. Can’t stop.

Every night before I sleep, I’ll say my prayer and close my eyes, and there’s only one I see, before my mind drifted to slumberland. and when i wake up, theres only one I in my head, I smile to that image and got out of the bed, and getting ready for work.

Call me insane. I am. Call me crazy. Yes, am not denying it. I’ve been asking the universe to give me sign. Yes,

you can ask the universe for signs all you want but ultimately you’ll only see what you want to see…when you’re ready to see it.

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