Love, hatred and the Mind

So do you think that love originates from your heart? Nah. I don’t think so. I think it is the mind, your subconscious mind decide whether how would you feel on certain situation. It is simply the mind start assessing the person has the necessary traits that you are lack of and that traits compliment yourself, and baaaam! 

It is very hard for someone to really match up with my subconscious mind. Hence, people keep on asking me the obvious question. I am questioning myself everyday on the matter too. I really do. 

But it suck when it matched and the ego starts kicking in. It wouldn’t be that bad if only one party with that certain trait but if the traits present in both? This is one bad characteristic that I have.

I am too proud to even to be true to myself, to what I feel. I am too proud to face the reality & my mind will always in constant wondering & pondering over things that what my mind allowed (and wants) only. 

I hate to the fact that I am procrasinating & trying to avoid in settling things and move forward. Sometimes when I am giving example to others that life is too short & to live life to the fullest by risking taking chances, my mind do not do the same for me. I am stuck in my own frame of mind. 

Though I am already move on to the next phase of my life & moved to Penang, I feel that I’m still stuck in KK. I did wrote a couple of time that my heart left in KK. Yes. I am denying it again & again. I am scared to face reality that I already move on. Trying to keep on holding to that. Hence, my bad start in Penang i.e. depressed, homesick, etc. My enthusiastic ‘iDa’ is being hold up to the unwilling heart to move on.

Yes, I admit it.. i have falling in love. But everything start to falls in in where I have to choose between 2 path. I am wishing both will eventually cross it path with each other but it keep me from moving forward. I need to let go.

I need to bring my heart back to Penang.

… and it ain’t easy.

I keep myself occupied with friends around, family, and unexpectedly taking up part-time job with my previous job just to keep myself from solitude & those feeling to creep in. I try to stay outside the house, hanging out with friends, stress myself with deadline & the guilty feeling that I have not yet started to re-do my drawing. But at the end of every night, those start to creep in when I’m self-reflecting. Ah.

I need to lose the hope so that I can accept the reality. pronto. I can’t be in denial anymore. I need my old self back. 

I need to reconstruct my thinking & start planning to achieve my goal & ambition. I need to open up more to future potentials. I shouldn’t keeping myself for those failed to see me.

Great. I am posting this to the world wide web & the whole world knows what’s inside my head. dang.

I think this issue comes out from me reading too much metaphysics book. Urgh. To find ourself & the origin of the world. I need something simpler to occupy my head atm, I should watch cartoon network sometime.

I need to resolve this before my flight back to PEN this sunday morning. I need to bring my heart back to Penang.

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