Losing hope. Losing mind.

Here I am, in my own studio, and living in one of the posh neighbourhood in Kuala Lumpur, and am feeling empty. I am living and working as what I have imagine, or wanted to be long time ago, and am not feeling what i should be: satisfied. It’s harsh to hear that my work is comparable to the first year of architecture students. I don’t take it personally, I am taking it constructively, but NOT when am during my pre-menstrual. I am taking it the good way, as I never enroll in any architectural degree. SO that is a compliment to me. But, I will never ever forget about it. It hit directly to my heart.

In which make me contemplate: hurdle after hurdle, challenges, and obstacles i have to go through since i enter this industry. I struggling with designing from the scratch and to keep up with part 1 architecture graduate. I struggle to keep up with studio works. It is totally a new experience to me, a new environment, and yet, I managed to go through that phase. Thank God, I graduated with good cgpa, and able to catch up and at par with the rest of my classmates. Then I enter the landscape architecture industry. It wasn’t bed of roses when I got paid peanut and I have mountainous workload. I get scolded, humiliated, demotivated, degraded and lots thing but my stone heart believe i can go through all these. Until up to the point, I decided to move to KL, and to move on with

Moving to KL has given me hope and light that I am able to make it in this industry. I see the light, and it feels good to be appreciated. I feel I belong here.

I should be grateful. I should be, life is good now.

But I feel empty. Unfinished. Not satisfied.

I am disappointed with my body too. I spent lots money on the trainer, and yet, am not losing any pounds. i took 40 sessions, and don’t think I’ll continue and yet, am few lbs heavier. i lift heavier weight, and no, no progress at all. I am disappointed and all effort since february gone. Wasted. I don’t know whether it is the cortisol hormone messing up with my body or simply this year is a bad luck year for me. everything disappoint me, every effort this year with no visible fruitful outcome.

I am losing hope. Losing my mind.