Disappear

on

I need to go back to my own self and to move on further. Maybe staying in Penang is a bad choice? Do you think so? Do you think that my decision to stay in Penang based on my head or my heart? I’ve always alignated my decision based on the sound-mind. Am I ready to trust my own instinct now? I mean, I’ve been good all these while, I’ve been doing the most practical and better decision-making with little mistake. Can i make a mistake now? I mean, I want to know how does it feel to make the wrong decision, and how to go about it.

So, the road not taken for me this time? Am I willing to sacrifice my dreams for something that isn’t concrete yet? Am I willing to give up my 10 years accelerated plan just to slow down things a little bit?

This remind me of the encounter few semester ago, when my I joined my friend to go for a night out at the club here in Penang with her boyfriend & friends. The friend interrogate me with so many question in relation to this. A journey from the campus to Gurney and back, enough for him to actually read what’s in my mind (and heart), and concluded that yes, being practical is good but I won’t be happy in a long term. I should follow what my heart desire. Yes, noted. I still remember what they said to me, but at that time, I can’t fathom or digest what is was saying and to integrate it to my life. I was bitter way back then, still not over the unsaid and a soul-less fella staying in Penang, like a ghost.

I am not that person anymore. I am happier. Better, and most importantly, I’ve moved on. And so the other person.

And when I’m back to my old self, I am back to the square one, where geographically-challenged situation arises again. If you are a dear follower of my life, I’ve blogged about how hard it is to maintain a relationship when you are practically moving here and there, from labuan to kuala lumpur to kota kinabalu to kuala lumpur to kota kinabalu and to Penang and god knows where I’ll be by end of this year. I am tired of starting and ending a relationship/friendship due to this.

It’s like a deja vu, all over again.

I need to fix where I want to stay on. Pronto.

Or where my heart wants me to be, but the thing is, I am clueless. I have no concrete plan. No concrete 10 years plan. No body to root me down to one place. I am like a hot air balloon, floating and going around where the air pressure takes me.

Please, somebody tell me to stay. Or else, I’ll disappear, again.

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