Quest for life

My heart ache. I am confused. I am feeling vulnerable. I can’t seem to know what leads me. I am afraid of the unforeseen situation. I am such a coward that I scared I will not succeed. 

I am scared of the things lay ahead of me, whether its good or bad. I am scared to face the future. 

My heart still hanging in the air. I am scared that what I feel will not be resolved. For the first time, I can sense a hope that could lead to something beautiful but what makes it all wrong? Did I step on the wrong foot? How am I going to rectify it? Or how can I grab back all the opportunities lies beforehand?

I don’t have the courage to say what’s inside my heart. How am I going to express things whenever they are around, I never fail to play it cool. How to reduce my ego? I am scared to face disappointment, rejection and disillusion. How to cease everything without fearing those mentioned? 

Responsibilities carries by me alone is so heavy that I need to try everything harder than anyone else. I only have myself to depend on, to push myself forward & to say everything is going to be okay when its not. Ain’t complaining as I am used to all that since I am little but it really bothers me now. I don’t know why.

I am grabbing something in the air but I can’t grasp anything solid. Do you know how it feel to  be drowning in the sea where you try to grab something to stay alive? I am feeling like that right now.

It’s not going to happen this way if I choose the conventional road, where everything is steady and predictable. 

I can’t choose that. My heart refuse to choose that, though it is the easiest way.

I hope I can resolve some & prepare myself, mentally & spiritually so that I can go back to Penang & strive for what i believe in.

*wishful thinking*

i need to shake it off. pronto. or am i reading too much metaphysical book?


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