A wake to the dragon


Hey ya all !! Happy new year !! I am wishing ya all great prosperity for this dragon year. I get confused reading the chinese horoscope, but.. oh well. I’ll try to read & fathom it some other time.

I am back in Kota Kinabalu now. Nothing much happening here, I’m being the lazy bum I used to be, trying to get back to my old self. The wound still open & still hurt even though I am thoroughly missed. I hate the what if, or the I feel it should be that way. It’s all bull shit. I’ll put my feet down & walk away. If anyone run after me, I’ll slow down. Or else, I’ll just keep on running forward.

I think I’m going to love 2012. I will be jet-setting all over the world, every month. January in Jakarta, Kuala Lumpur & Kota Kinabalu, February in Cameron, March in Singapore, April in Phuket, and the list go on. This enough (hopefully) will mend my broken heart.

I’m making a pack to myself that when I get back to Penang tomorrow, I’ll start back with my to-do list such as 2 weekly game of tennis (with 2 different groups), a cross-training either at the park or treadmill every other day & also to get myself used to the water (meaning that I have to put my head in the water). I promise to myself that I’ll submit the PhD application too, and to be at par with the senior landscape architect. That is my 2012 plan, yes, and as listed in the new year resolution.

Unrequited always dealing with depression, low self-esteem, anxiety and rapid mood swings between depression and euphoria. Every event, day by day lead by these two. I am tired. I need to stand up again. I cried enough. I haven’t really been taking care of myself well in the past few months. Hence, my fitness gone haywire, I fall sick quite often and so on.

I can make it through the rain. I can stand up once again. 

So my dear reader, please appreciate those who are around you for what they feel for you. They may not showing any empathy towards you when they expressed their feeling but deep down inside, it’s like a cancer spreading through your heart. They keep it cool in front of you but you got no idea what’s boiling inside. I kept my cool in front but when I turned away, tears running down my cheek and no one sees it.

That is why I try to keep things straight with everyone. The least that I want to do is to broke somebody else heart. If they are trying to get close to me, and I am not interested with them, I keep my distance. Even if they want to be friends with me, going out etc, I keep my distance because I know they will have this kind of ‘hope’ that I will eventually like them.

That’s why I rather be alone. I don’t want to hurt anyone, because I know how hurt it was when it’s unreciprocated. I know that feeling very, very well.

I’ve been down and standing up so, so many times. I don’t know how many time I have to fall again, but I’m feeling tired. I think I should just shut off the whole world, so I won’t get hurt anymore.

2 Comments Add yours

  1. Mos. says:

    Hey IDa,
    Wooots! You finally updated your blog! Happy Chinese New Year to you.
    Like always, it’s so nice to see how well-organized you are with your plans for future and how determined you are towards achieving your goals. With such an spirit of hard working, dedication, and self-esteem, only the sky is your limit! So keep up the great momentum.
    As for emo. life, I feel for you and totally understand how hard it is to have one’s heart broken. Honestly, I have been through all this before in my life and know how hard it is to deal with it. But truth to be told, that’s not the end of the world. You can always expect something better to happen to you. In fact, at times we might feel so sad losing something, but as time goes by and we reflect back, we would see how lucky we have been not reaching what we had thought were the best thing we could ever get. As Irish poet Oscar Wilde once said “What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise”. I guess what I’m trying to say is that always better things come our way in life. Of course, when we do love something/someone, obviously we try to make that ours. But then, if it is really not meant to happen, let it be. And don’t ever doubt that something good will come your way. As they say, “there’s always a rainbow after the storm”. So chin up and stay optimist as always.

    Oh and this paragraph of yours should be written in gold! I’m so like you in that sense:
    That is why I try to keep things straight with everyone. The least that I want to do is to broke somebody else heart. If they are trying to get close to me, and I am not interested with them, I keep my distance. Even if they want to be friends with me, going out etc, I keep my distance because I know they will have this kind of ‘hope’ that I will eventually like them.

    Lastly, let me finish with a nice quote by Josh Hartnett who said, “Hope is the most exciting thing in life and if you honestly believe that love is out there, it will come. And even if it doesn’t come straight away there is still that chance all through your life that it will.” 🙂

    Best wishes,
    Mos.

  2. anggun3 says:

    hey mos ! yeah, at least with all the planning and all, that will keep my mind occupied. So, yeah. Well, it hurts, but experience help us in growing up. It is a blessing in disguise, indeed.

    Ha,ha I can’t highlight it in gold, but i can do red ! yes. Sometime we sorta overlooked the simple thing & that made fallin in love is so godamn hard. LOL.

    Anyway, cheers! See you for the tennis game soon 🙂

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