Hey ya all !! Happy new year !! I am wishing ya all great prosperity for this dragon year. I get confused reading the chinese horoscope, but.. oh well. I’ll try to read & fathom it some other time.
I am back in Kota Kinabalu now. Nothing much happening here, I’m being the lazy bum I used to be, trying to get back to my old self. The wound still open & still hurt even though I am thoroughly missed. I hate the what if, or the I feel it should be that way. It’s all bull shit. I’ll put my feet down & walk away. If anyone run after me, I’ll slow down. Or else, I’ll just keep on running forward.
I think I’m going to love 2012. I will be jet-setting all over the world, every month. January in Jakarta, Kuala Lumpur & Kota Kinabalu, February in Cameron, March in Singapore, April in Phuket, and the list go on. This enough (hopefully) will mend my broken heart.
I’m making a pack to myself that when I get back to Penang tomorrow, I’ll start back with my to-do list such as 2 weekly game of tennis (with 2 different groups), a cross-training either at the park or treadmill every other day & also to get myself used to the water (meaning that I have to put my head in the water). I promise to myself that I’ll submit the PhD application too, and to be at par with the senior landscape architect. That is my 2012 plan, yes, and as listed in the new year resolution.
Unrequited always dealing with depression, low self-esteem, anxiety and rapid mood swings between depression and euphoria. Every event, day by day lead by these two. I am tired. I need to stand up again. I cried enough. I haven’t really been taking care of myself well in the past few months. Hence, my fitness gone haywire, I fall sick quite often and so on.
I can make it through the rain. I can stand up once again.
So my dear reader, please appreciate those who are around you for what they feel for you. They may not showing any empathy towards you when they expressed their feeling but deep down inside, it’s like a cancer spreading through your heart. They keep it cool in front of you but you got no idea what’s boiling inside. I kept my cool in front but when I turned away, tears running down my cheek and no one sees it.
That is why I try to keep things straight with everyone. The least that I want to do is to broke somebody else heart. If they are trying to get close to me, and I am not interested with them, I keep my distance. Even if they want to be friends with me, going out etc, I keep my distance because I know they will have this kind of ‘hope’ that I will eventually like them.
That’s why I rather be alone. I don’t want to hurt anyone, because I know how hurt it was when it’s unreciprocated. I know that feeling very, very well.
I’ve been down and standing up so, so many times. I don’t know how many time I have to fall again, but I’m feeling tired. I think I should just shut off the whole world, so I won’t get hurt anymore.